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The Paper Chronicles~The Hostage Story

This paper delivery day was a what we like to call a bad paper day. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Papers were coming out of the bags as we tossed them to driveways, there was tons of traffic, and we were behind schedule. We were taking all of the mishaps in stride and making the best of it until we had to go up into this one area that is a one road in loop around same around out kind of neighborhood that is very spread out and wooded and on a narrow dirt road. Once again a paper had come flying out of the bag and as the driver I got out to fix it and that’s not a big deal except as I got back in the truck this crazy hills have eyes creeper comes gravel sliding sideways in his truck and blocks us in on this small backwoods creepy wooded dirt road. He gets out of his truck and storms around the end of it from the driver’s side and from the murderous look in his eyes I knew right away that this was going to be in no way shape or form anything resembling a good conversation, and I was right on the money in my exceptional power of deduction. He started screaming and yelling, with spit flying and veins and eyes popping out of his head, and I swear there was steam coming out of his ears! This man was in full head on flip out mode and it was all aimed at me and my fellow conspirator in our one day a week mission to ruin his day, which happens to be paper delivery day! Now mind you, this small town once a week newspaper that comes out is free to all the locals that would like one and if they so choose they can be put on the do not deliver list. It is paid for by the advertising in the paper and so it costs them no more than the energy to walk to the end of their driveway and pick it up, and if they wish to not receive it they only have to notify the paper office or the carrier and we will gladly put them on the do not deliver list easy as that. Well at least you would think it was easy as that, but apparently not so for this particular man!

This gentleman believed that his life was being ruined one day every week by that toxic paper littering the end of his driveway, and he proceeded to tell me as much as he was holding us hostage on this little dirt road. He continues to yell at me as loudly as humanly possible that every Tuesday makes his blood boil because he knows that by days end that damn paper is going to once again be littering his beautiful driveway (insert sarcasm, the guys gate at his drive is ten feet tall and surrounded by bushes so out of control if we hadn’t been seriously looking for it we would have missed it, oh and there are only 50 other wooden gates and fences on this road through the twilight zone, so that was very funny of him to yell as he sped away that he lived behind the wooden gate…but we will get back to that. Oh and not to mention his house is so shrouded by bushes and trees you can’t even see it on Google Earth). Okay back to the story, I thought for sure this guy was going to come through the truck window. He goes on and on getting angrier and angrier, and scarier and spewing threats about he we better stop littering or else. Now remember he only had to ask us nicely to please stop the paper to his house and we would have gladly complied, but nope he was having a bad day and I was the unfortunate one to cross his path and incur his wrath! Now I really was proud of my calmness and professionalism with this gentleman despite all the horrible things being directed my way, but after about ten minutes I had about enough of trying my best to be nice and he was out for blood plain and simple and apparently mine would do that day. Well after a few more minutes of his threats of bodily harm to us and our truck, and more screaming and verbally abusive language and the works all over a free paper, I tried switching tactics and thought I would scare him with a threat of calling the police if he did not get in his truck and let us be on our way, he screamed back at me that the police didn’t give a damn and wouldn’t be bothered to respond to any call we made. Well that did it, my nice button went flying out the window, calmness and professionalism quickly went in hot pursuit, leaving plenty of room for enough was enough to come flooding in! I quickly went into defense mode, maybe because we were in a quickly deteriorating hostage type situation and we were the hostages, and this man quickly learned why my kids made themselves scarce when mom was pushed from nice to pissed off. I told that oh so pleasant man (again with sarcasm) that if he didn’t move his damn truck I was going to break his other hand to match the one in the cast and then I was going to take this free damn paper and I was going to beat him to death with it and dump his body in the blackberry bushes to rot, and only then could someone accuse me of littering. Oh and since the police wouldn’t respond to any calls or care anyways then he would be screwed wouldn’t he! He wisely chose to get back in his truck so we could all be on our way again. As he hightailed it out of there, gravel flying, he yelled that he lived at the house with the wooden gate and there better be no more papers in his driveway! Trust me, 100 people could complain but we are never going up his way again. Our big boss man said that the whole neighborhood on silent hill was cut off! Ha wait till his neighbors find out he is the reason they are no longer receiving their papers. Lesson of this story is that in some situations, things demand that you have to get a little extreme and know how to out crazy the crazies in order to make them see things your way!

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Author:

I am a new blogger learning how this all works. My kids are all grown and so now I am finding new ways to fill my time. I look forward to sharing my writing with all of you!

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